Rain Man

I nearly fell at the first hurdle. Nearly.

Deeply embedded in me I have this code, but I guess it comes with being in a relationship as well. He takes me out, we have an amazing time, we go home and it is just courteous to sleep with him.

But this is where I have to retreat, I don’t want to be in his bed, I want to be left alone. His eagerness is starting to repulse me. Is that a bad thing?

I had this boyfriend a few years ago who was a bit of a Dorian Gray character. With or without clothes on he looked fantastic, he was the kind of man that you would find sitting in the pages of a glossy staring with a tasteful allure at the world. He could excite me when we went out, having a distance from him, I found that with just the eyes I was drawn to him.

As the door was closed he was so eager, so bouncy, lapping like a dog. Literally slobbering over my neck, drowning me in his lust that he simply physically repulsed me. I think there were many more reasons why he repulsed me, but that is another story entirely; this one played a big factor.

Why do men think it’s ok to be so forward? A woman wants a bit of a game, a smile, a tease. No one wants to be devoured so quickly, so entirely.

I think I forgot to say I’m in a relationship. It’s part of the problem, being with someone and then the others. Not that there have been many. But the fact that it’s happening still, when I just thought it was the nature of the last relationship I was in. No, the problem is within me.

Leaving work the other day I was accosted on the steps by a colleague. He is not just some man, we spent an incredible night together, and that was the catalyst for this program.

It had been raining all day and he caught my hand making sure I would not trip. He said wanted to make sure that it was ok between us after our rendezvous. He was standing close to me, still holding my hand. I had to play coy, I couldn’t lead him on and I couldn’t tell him about my change of status, instead I laughed too much at the things he was saying. I thought the situation was ridiculous, in the rain and this man is trying to kiss me and I can still smell my boyfriends sweat in my hair from his eagerness last night. But the greatest thing about this situation, and of the night before, is that I could walk away.

Before, I would be drawn in, it would be hard to say no, my morals would crumble against the sight of a beautiful man in the rain holding my back and trying to look in my eyes. Yes this is so cheesy, so clichéd, so unreal, but this bit I assure you is not fiction.

And, I did walk away, smiling.